cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize