No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
