I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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