did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
