he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
