Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize