you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize