I met the friendliest cop last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
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