I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
