im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
