I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
