the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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