Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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