anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
