I heard we made out
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
