last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
