I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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