Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Mom said you looked used
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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