Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
