I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
All I want is dick and wine.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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