Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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