so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
