Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
