I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize