mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
