Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
