you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
