We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
