fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize