I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
