Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
