I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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