I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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