i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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