dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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