dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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