there's paper in my vomit.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize