I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
