Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
