Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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