It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I could make wine with my vomit
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
