Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
