ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
