I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
