my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
