I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
