If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
