You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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