I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize