What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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