every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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