Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
