i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
