i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
