I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
