i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
