i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I checked into jail on foursquare
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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