Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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